Is Your ADHD/Autistic Child Masking?
Photo by David Clode on Unsplash
Key Takeaways:
Kids mask to maintain a sense of belonging and keep from “sticking out”
Masking is adaptive and can be a helpful social survival strategy
Significant effort is required to mask. Reducing areas of a child’s life where they have to mask can prevent burnout and undesired mental health symptoms
What is masking?
A common experience for neurodivergent people is feeling different or like they don’t belong.
As a parent, it can be heartbreaking to witness your child feel the need to cover up their amazing personality, or deny their own needs.
There can also be a sense of gratitude when a child masks, if we know it is helping keep them safe.
Both things can be true.
Masking is an attempt, either consciously or subconsciously, to appear neurotypical to others or one’s self.
The person masking adapts certain things about themselves to seem “normal.” Specific changes made will differ person to person.
Masking is not bad. Just as with a chameleon, camouflaging is an adaptive response. Masking helps neurodivergent people live in a world that is generally not designed for, nor accepting of, them.
There are repercussions to masking, but more on that later.
What does masking look like?
Socially. A child may change their tone of voice, body language, or activity level.
Academically. A child may display understanding of a concept, when in reality they are “just getting by,” leading to avoidable academic deficits down the line.
Masking is more common in children who have multiple marginalized identities, and therefore feel more singled out and/or less safe in their environment.
Why do ADHD or Autistic children mask?
Many neurodivergent kids avoid expressing themselves authentically for fear of being judged, shamed, isolated or even perceived. Life is hard enough — they often just want to blend in.
In some cases, masking is a social benefit, providing a child with a sense of being “just like the other kids.” This can help a child maintain peer relationships or avoid being bullied.
In other cases, a child may mask in an educational environment for fear of judgment or being singled out due to their difference in learning needs.
Regardless of the reason for masking, in every case, masking comes with side effects.
Masking serves a protective purpose. Unfortunately, it is not safe for every child to be 100% their authentic self everywhere they go.
Masking can provide power and autonomy so the child can decide when they want to reveal their neurodivergent identity (or identities).
Before we continue, let’s look at some specific examples of how masking can present in both ADHD and Autism. These examples are extremely simplified, but provide a place to start with how masking impacts a child.
Example 1: Undiagnosed ADHD (Inattentive Presentation)
In the classroom, a 7 year old child with undiagnosed inattentive presentation of ADHD appears to be capable of sitting still, looking at the teacher while she’s talking, and getting his work done.
Internally, however, this child may be putting a lot of effort into appearing focused when, in reality, he is frequently distracted by any number of things: the cars out the window; the strong scent of the candle down the hall; or the new video game he has waiting for him at home.
Before he realizes it, the child has missed an important part of the lesson for the day.
He is too embarrassed to speak up for himself, for fear of being judged by other students or the teacher.
So he starts on the assignment, making guesses along the way. Even though he missed part of the lesson, he still scrapes by to complete the assignment, and makes mostly As on most of his work.
As grades are oftentimes the primary, if not only, metric for success in traditional schooling, the child’s disability (ADHD) goes undiagnosed.
For most of elementary and middle school, the child is able to carry on like this. However, as the course material becomes more challenging in high school and college, the child struggles to “fake it” and eventually must either start revealing he needs help, or start giving up.
“Working harder” can only work for so long. Eventually, without accommodation or proper support, this process becomes too exhausting and the child can become defeated academically.
Modern culture often equates academic difficulty with a personal failure on the part of the student. They can be viewed as lazy students, disinterested, or even actively disruptive.
An accurate understanding of why the child is struggling in the first place is crucial.
With proper evaluation, this child could be recognized for who he is - a great kid AND an undiagnosed ADHDer in need of some accommodations.
Example 2: Undiagnosed Autism
A 12 year old Autistic girl has been socialized to smile, anticipate others’ needs, and seem “emotionally stable.” She’s learned society’s expectations of her the hard way, becoming judged when she makes a misstep or breaks an unspoken social norm.
Her parents want to prevent her from experiencing social isolation or judgment, so they try to warn her when they can.
Even at 12 years old, she’s gotten really good at masking socially. She’s become so proficient, in fact, that none of her peers would know about her Autism diagnosis unless they were explicitly told about it.
She makes eye contact and engages in polite conversation (including avoiding socially taboo topics).
She avoids engaging in visible self-stimming behaviors because she knows others may feel uncomfortable watching it. When she feels anxious and needs to stim, she waits until she can be alone.
She rehearses social scripts in the mirror before school, and constantly recalibrates during peer interactions to make sure she’s standing the right distance from other people and isn’t talking too loudly.
Because she is able to adjust and fit into neuronormative social expectations, she has a steady friend group but never fully feels like she fits in with them. She feels different and doesn’t feel safe enough to let anyone else know.
She internalizes the belief that in order to feel like she belongs, she must always cater to the social expectations of others, ignoring her own needs to feel comfortable in a social situation.
Over time, her brain pairs socializing and anxiety together, to the point that she struggles to ever socialize and not feel high levels of anxiety.
Naturally, many high masking Autistics will begin socializing less often due to the extreme amounts of effort required. Or, they will continue socializing in this way but eventually enter into a period of Autistic burnout.
At the very least, high masking Autistics can lose a sense of their own social identity.
Should ADHD or Autistic children unmask?
Often, once a parent identifies masking in their child, they instinctively want to rush to help their child unmask. Many parents don’t like the idea that their child is hiding who they are, or preventing their own needs from being met.
It’s important to remember that masking is a brilliant coping strategy that children develop to help them get their needs met.
While I absolutely understand the desire for every child to be fully themselves all of the time, this is not accessible or helpful in every case. We can all work to make the world a more welcoming and affirming space for neurodivergent kids! This is certainly my hope.
How you can support your neurodivergent child:
While your child may not be able to unmask fully in every part of their life (even if it was always safe to do so!), you can help provide them with a home environment where they can be themselves.
At Home
Evaluate where any difficulties arise at home.
Get curious about moments where your child seems to have run out of energy to mask, rather than showing how they’re really feeling because they feel ready to do so.
Consider reducing common demands like:
eating at tables
helping with chores
completing homework in a certain way or at a certain time
communicating in neurotypical ways (i.e. eye contact, speaking verbally, answering questions immediately).
Allow your child to engage in their special interests and self-stim as needed.
With Friends
Help them find friends (even just one!) around which they can be a more authentic version of themselves, if they don’t have that already.
Sometimes this means finding another neurodivergent child; other times, an empathetic and understanding neurotypical friend is a great balance instead.
When Unmasking Can’t Happen at Home
In some cases, home isn’t a place where a child can fully unmask. Maybe there’s an unwelcoming co-parent or sibling, or you’re trying to allow the child to unmask but your nervous system feels fried and you’re at max capacity.
Please consider seeking professional help, as navigating each individual situation is nuanced and requires specialized support.